Christian Unity Ministries

Unity News

August, 2002

RESPONDING TO BAD BEHAVIOR IN THE CHURCH

By Blake Coffee

Here is a question I have begun to ask in every conflict: What did more damage, the initial bad behavior or the poor response to the bad behavior? It seems to me that, as Christians, we have lost sight of how God’s Word tells us to respond to bad behavior among His people. Maybe this is because God’s teaching is almost exactly opposite from what the world teaches us. In responding to bad behavior, the world begins with correction. Then, if the bad actor changes his behavior (restoration), the world is then willing to forgive (reconciliation) and start loving him again. God’s Word teaches differently.

STEP ONE: GO AND LOVE YOUR BROTHER

The process for confronting a brother as set out in Matthew 18:15 comes with an assumption: that this process be kept in the context of everything else God's Word tells us about relationships. Is there any word about relationships that is clearer in the Bible than that we must love one another ?

Moreover, our love for each other must be unconditional. It must be unaffected by circumstances. My love for you has nothing to do with you or your conduct. I do not love you because of who you are. I love you because of who I am--and, more specifically, because of Who resides in me. Therefore, my first and foremost response to bad behavior (no matter how bad the behavior is) must be to reiterate that unconditional love.

STEP TWO: GO AND BE RECONCILED TO YOUR BROTHER

Step one being established and ongoing, the next question I must answer is this: Has this brother done something (or failed to do something) that hurts me personally? If so, I must deal with that pain first. That is step two.

The “plank in your eye” to which Jesus refers in Matthew 7:3-5 is usually unresolved pain where that brother is concerned, which keeps us from seeing him clearly (i.e., the way God sees him). We are of little help to that brother as a Godly influence if we continue to carry unresolved pain which we attribute to him. We must remove the plank from our eye, which usually involves expressions of confession and forgiveness to that brother.

We simply must learn the skill of expressing that pain appropriately. We must learn how better to say, "When you did this thing, I felt this way…". We must learn to do this gently, and in a way which will make that brother want to pick up that pain and talk about it. And having expressed the pain, we must then find a way to forgive and move on. In fact, forgiveness, the sharing of the same measure of grace God has shown us, is the primary objective in reconciliation. It is the reason we go in the first place. Even as I go to that brother to express my pain, I go intending to forgive, no matter how he responds to my concerns. The forgiveness, you see, is more for my own well-being than for his. It is what reconciles my half of the relationship. It is what removes the log from my eye so that I can "see clearly" for the next step in the process: restoration.

STEP THREE: GO AND RESTORE YOUR BROTHER

Whereas the first two steps focus on my relationship with this brother, the step of restoration necessarily focuses on this brother's relationship with God. That's why steps one and two are critical first steps. When Paul calls upon "you who are righteous" in Galatians 6:1 to go and gently restore a brother, he is calling upon those who have only the love for this brother on their hearts and minds. In II Samuel 12, Nathan confronted David for one reason and one reason only--the love God had given Nathan for David. Any other motive would have been wrong, and probably would have done more damage than good.

Let's get specific: if my motive is to get the truth told, or to protect the church, or to vindicate myself or someone else, or to punish this brother, or any other such motives, I better stop and check my heart before proceeding. Restoration of a brother has only one focus—one objective: that brother's relationship with the Lord. Any other focus is misguided when trying to restore a brother. The objective is for this brother to agree with God about himself, and my help with that objective will require all the love and influence on that brother's life which I can muster.

STEP FOUR: GO AND CORRECT YOUR BROTHER

Truth is, if the first three steps happen correctly, there will rarely be a need for correction of the behavior. But occasionally, the behavior may be addictive in nature or otherwise bound to continue unless some form of intervention occurs. In those cases, correction is merely a matter of setting clear boundaries and putting accountability in place. It means making whatever changes need to be made to insure that this behavior does not happen again.

There will always be bad behavior in the church. It is unrealistic to see our role as obliterating all bad behavior. Rather, our responsibility is to learn how to respond to it when it does occur. We must learn how to glorify God, even in response to bad behavior. And in so doing, maybe we can start influencing the world around us rather than being influenced by it.

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